The first time I had cybersex (1996), I met Jack, who immediately deduced from my obviously lack of sexual experience that I was a virgin desperately trying to pass off as a blonde slut. He was 8 years older, extremely intelligent with a wicked sense of humor. I was immediately, wildly infatuated with his online persona. He was very experience with women and when we chatted, he knew the right buttons to push to make me feel so sensuous. He took a genuine interest in me, and gave me advice without treating me like a child. I so longed to meet him, but alas, though Singaporean, he lived in Europe.

A year later, I moved to KL to attend college and meet the guy who would eventually tear my hymen. Jason was sweet but overly possessive. His explosive temper, triggered by something as trivial as another guy talking to me, cost me a lot of friends. Jack was one of the casualties. Jason forbade me to contact any other male, and happily delete every single male contact from my cellphone and email address book. I was in love, I was blind, and I put up with it for three years. He got abusive; I put on my running shoes, literally.

I moved on and got stuck for another three years with a wannabe-professional-Counter-Strike-gamer, cum pothead. I too became a wannabe professional gamer cum pothead. I spent so much time smoking Jumbo Js, feeding the munchies and exercising nothing but my fingers, my weight hit an all time high of 72kgs. Somehow, Jack managed to find me online through ICQ, and told me to get a grip. I fought back, stopped gaming, started exercising, lost 19kgs (unfortunately it didn’t last ;P) in under a year and managed to complete my degree. But I was addicted to weed.

I started work in JB; my pothead boyfriend did not finish his degree and was going no where in life. I tried my very best to help to help, but eventually threw out the life raft and jumped off the sinking ship. It was perhaps the lowest point in my life. I was single again, after two, three year relationships, and my family was falling apart. Mum and Dad would argue, while I sat in my bedroom, rolling a joint to calm the nerves. Their arguments got worst, my addiction deepen. To make matters worst, I got involve with someone I should not have gotten involved with because he was involved with someone else. I started taking pills to regulate my mood swings, to help me sleep. I took ice, ecstasy, ketamine, dormicum…anything I could lay my hands on. I got involved with people who were bad for me. I took more drugs. It was a vicious cycle.

One night in a mamak, after a ketamine-induced night of partying, when everyone was ready to go home, I felt so depressed; I secretly popped and chewed 2 ecstasy pills. I received an SMS from Jack (he was back in Singapore for sometime now). He wanted to know if I’d be free the next day. I never got the chance to reply. The next thing I knew I couldn’t see. Everything became a blur. I had to be carried back home by a good friend. I hallucinated the whole night of walls caving in on me and people walking around my bedroom, while I lay glued to my bed hardly able to move. I cried and I slept with someone I didn’t love but loved me. The next morning I woke up with a very swollen jaw and a dozen ulcers from biting myself. Even my most hardcore druggie friends felt I was dangerously reeling out of control.

Jack called me that very afternoon to say that he’ll be coming to JB with another friend and was hoping to have coffee with me. It would be the first time we met after 7 years of being online friends.

We met for the first time in Coffee Bean and recognized each other instantly. After the customary “Hellos”, he squeezed my jaw, and although I did not tell him what transpired the night before, asked, “My dear girl, what drugs are you on?”

My heart whispered, “I found my soulmate”.

To be continued...

Part 2 here